So close yet so far away

Recently on Facebook, I have received friend requests from buxom 20-something women. What is this about? I spend a fair amount of time looking as hokey as possible and this happens. First off, for whatever reason, this is far more scary than intriguing. I do not like people. I like certain controlled environments. When I feel like I have less control in one area, I tend to build physical walls and barriers through paper and clothing. (This is the reason by the state of my office at work. Sad but true.) When people I do not know try to friend me, I feel like there is less control. I do not like that. I personally find it odd that I am laid back and a control freak all at the same time.

Here is the crazy thing though. I have a problem saying no so I harbor some fear about hurting the feelings of someone who blind-friended me. When did 'friend' become a verb anyway?

It is funny. I was a contingency planner before my mother's death and her death only has strengthened my need for emotional contingency plans. These are not plans on how to deal with financial or tangible matters but instead how to deal with my emotions about events. I recently pondered my DINC (dual income no children) status. We have some things to work on but I realized how awful it would be if something happened to the Mrs. and I had to raise a child alone. I think I could do it but it scares me to death. I am nuts. I want my child to develop his or her own brand of crazy not just inherit mine because I am the only consistent influence.

In three months I will be 36 years old and in some ways I am still asking or not asking for permission and just wishing for things. I need the weather to warm up soon so I can start running and riding outside and not have to deal with my emotions.

236? What?

So, I came home today and the Mrs. looks at me and implores me to lose weight. I say to her that no I am fine. She says that I need to eat better and that I have gained weight, she can see it in my face. She even pinches my cheeks. I am sure she is wrong but on the off chance she is right. I can always eat better so why argue. A little bit later, I sneak off to the scale. I gained ten pounds since I last weighed myself.

1. I hate being wrong.
2. I hate her being so right about my weight.
3. I hate having gained so much weight in such a short amount of time.

Well, now I have to eat better, get back to running, and get out on the road on my bicycle. This is insane. You could add 200 to my age and my weight would still be more. On up side, I can lose weight by running, eating better, cycling, and learning to swim. I have avenues but I have got to it.

From now on, I shall go by Tubby. :)